I once read a parenting advice article saying, “don’t tell your kids you’re proud of them.” This was long before I had a kid, but it’s stuck with me. Over five years later.
Their opinion was that if you tell your child you are proud of them, they will become people pleasers and become dependent on the approval of others. I’ll admit, I can see how that might result in an unhealthy way.
But this was back before I wrote blogs, and it didn’t occur to me that I was just reading someone’s opinion. Why did I think that everything featured in Yahoo! news was vetted and approved by professionals— experts?
Parenting advice isn’t one size fits all
Now, all these years later, I find myself telling my five-year-old I am proud of him all the time. He loves to hear it, and it encourages his behavior in a positive way. And I love to reassure him that he’s making good decisions. It works for us.
I don’t feel I am setting him up for failure, as the article assured me it would.
However, I will say this— Reading that article made me aware of the possible results of that particular parenting style. Now I recognize that if I tell my child I am proud of him (often), he may develop a need to seek approval from others throughout the rest of his life.
I can use this information to counter that result and will communicate that mom and dad’s approval is natural and expected, but it’s not his job to succumb to the approval of everyone he knows.
Disappointment is Natural
Remember that feeling you would get when your parents tell you they are “disappointed” in you? They could say they are mad at you, yell at you, punish you— but when they look at you with disappointment in their eyes, that stings the most.
At least for me, and many others I’ve discussed this with. That feeling that your parent’s opinion of you might be compromised, that you’ve let them down, holds more power. Maybe because it feels like they don’t care enough to be angry with you? You’ve always made them proud and now you’ve failed them. And you yearn for their approval.
Our parents (or legal guardians) are our first moral compass. The example we inevitably follow. And they’re responsible for molding you into a healthy, responsible adult.
Note— All this is to be said for non-abusive parents. Of course, it’s possible your child will be traumatized by a parent who is impossible to please and makes their child feel they are a constant disappointment. They may try harder to please, but their spirit will break over time.
So back to the original point, not every piece of advice you hear or read is bible. You know your child better than anyone else on this planet. And your child is an individual. Unique.
You don’t have to follow every piece of parenting advice you read or hear. Including this!
This is not parenting advice- It’s fact
I believe every child deserves compassion and respect. We truly are (mostly) responsible for the person they become in adulthood, whether we like to acknowledge it or not. Humans begin their “programming” in the womb. They hear everything. They feel everything. Our energy is contagious, and children are far more intelligent than we give them credit for.
We are not, and cannot be, “cookie cutter people,” as my gramma would say. Each of us has a unique experience in life— no two paths are alike. It’s impossible. We are all built on the interactions we encounter. A random path dictated by the choices of our parents and our own.
Tell your kids that you are proud of them if you want, or don’t. Heed the advice of others, but make the decision for yourself.
advice to myself
I am writing this because it occurred to me that I need to remember this. It’s so easy to become overwhelmed and seek the advice of others. And I often do. That is how we learn, after all— from each other.
The challenge is to sort through the endless opinions and find what works for you and your family. And then don’t beat yourself up for not doing exactly what someone else told you to.
It seems it’s more common for kids to hold resentment toward their parents than not. It’s almost certain that we will make choices that our children hold grudges for. But let us remember that as long as we aren’t abusive or neglectful, they will likely come around when they hit their twenties and have a broader perspective of the world.
Who Really knows?
They say “no one wrote the book on how to raise a kid.” But they did! There are literally tens of thousands of parenting books, each one with a different perspective. Each and every one of those authors has their own experience to draw from.
Some authors write based on research and studies. Some are doctors and scholars. And yes, of course, much of that parenting advice is excellent. But it’s important to remember— check your sources. And check your heart.
So follow the parenting advice, or don’t. For the sake of our children let’s be selective. Let’s make thoughtful and deliberate choices that fit the little personalities we love so much.
Let us love our babies endlessly and vow to nurture them in the best way we know how.
